About Me

My photo
50ish gal who views the world with a bit of cynicism. Our world is full of hilarity at every turn, and I feel the need to express my views on it. Others may think it, I say it.


Friday, June 17, 2011

Bad television?

Television programming these days is horrible at best. Most of it is reality (?), although who's reality I don't know. Thank goodness for PBS and on demand.

Having a ten year old boy and monitoring what he wants to watch is sometimes tricky. He's a smart little guy and he enjoys anything that has to do with science, building, animals, etc. The other night, we stumbled upon a new network called RTV, Retro Televison Network. You are never going to believe what was on, and worse, what we watched.

Remember 1980's TV? Stupid sitcoms and even stupider action shows. The nightly lineup on RTV is The Incredible Hulk, Knightrider and The A Team. Ethan was all over it. I remember my little brother loving these shows. Every Friday night, the TV was his to watch all the action. In those days, there was not a TV in every room, so you watched it or you watched nothing.

Let's start with The Incredible Hulk. A very realisitic premise for life right?
First of all, how did Eddie's father get to this? Just think how scary it would be to be in a grocery store and have a man get pissed because they don't have his favorite beer. Before you know it, he turns green, bulks up and ruins yet another set of clothes. He must be JC Penney's best customer. Also, how does he become Lou Ferrigno? And, if this did happen, don't you think you'd read about it in the paper? Even Ethan could see that this was WAY over the top and we only watched it one time.

Not true about the Knightrider. Yes, the car had some very cool technology for the time, and most of it is commonplace these days. In those days, I don't think GPS was something many people knew about.
A lone man fighting for law and justice with his Pontiac Trans Am by his side. Where can I meet a guy like this? I wonder why he never gets a speeding ticket since he's always in a hurry to get to the next adventure. KITT has such a great personality for a car too. I wonder if there are that many international criminals roaming the streets. There must be or Michael and KITT would have nothing to do.

That brings us to The A Team. Four Vietnam vets framed for a crime the didn't commit, help the innocent while on the run from the military. Really? Their adventures are full of explosions and gunfire. Everyone is a bad shot because no one ever gets shot. In every episode, the military is one step behind them. Low and behold, as they are helping the innocent, they manage to get way. What a stressful job!
Remember when Mr T was all the rage? Who wants a mohawk?

Ethan loves these shows and his little face lights up when he watches all the action. I remember my brother being the same way. It just goes to show you that little boys are little boys no matter what and when. It's endearing. Everyday when I pick him up, he's excited about tonight's episodes. So, tonight at seven sharp we will be watching.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

As seen on TV

Middle of the night infomercials, there's nothing like them. Everyone is so excited and animated. Our product is so fabulous, you'll wonder how you EVER lived without it. Remeber when GINSU knives was the only one? I actually own a GINSU bread knife, have had it for ten plus years, and it really is a great knife. But on to the Pajama Jeans......

WOW!!!! Jeans that feel like pajamas and pajamas that are stylish like designer denim. Last I checked designer jeans were not made out of sweats material. You can look "put together" all day long. They even have brass rivets and contrast stitching. No buttons or zippers to fool with. Just pull them on. Wear them to the gym, grocery store and while you run errands. Roll out of bed and be on your way. Just because you are busy doesn't mean you can't look sharp! I think the reality is unless you are tall and thin, these will cling to every bump and bulge and enhance them for you. That's what I'm looking for in a jean. There are not alot of testimonials for these and I suspect I know why.

How about the Belly Sauna? Do you have love handles or pesky belly fat to get rid of? Here's your answer.
Wear it anytime. Walking the kids and pets (?), gym, mowing the lawn, etc. Does this look anywhere near comfortable to you? What's that red plastic thing around your gut Dave? It's my new belly sauna, Tom. I guess I could have used Saran Wrap, but I felt like wasting twenty bucks, and besides, I like red. Tag line says you MAY lose weight. You MAY lose weight doing all kinds of things, but not this. Great testimonials from other people who also like red.

Hoopnotica, losing weight and toning have never been easier! The Hula Hoop you remember from childhood doesn't hold a candle to this enjoyment. This is adult sized and weighted. If you thought Hula Hoop's were awkward, hold on. And, it's travel ready. Now you can flail around like a spaz anywhere. Can be adjusted for the more advanced hooper. I wonder what makes one more advanced at this activity. I hope it involves lots of alcoholic beverages.
The FUN way to blast fat!

Do you secretly, or maybe openly, want to be a porn star? If you answered yes, hers is a must have for you to get started.

With this handy little device, you can soon be on your way to sorta pornstardom. You can shave your pubic hair in ten of Jenna's favorite designs. Only you will know unless you decide to share. I think about alot of stuff during the day, but never my pubic hair. Maybe if I had it in the shape of a lighting bolt I would, but only because it's itchy as hell. How many times do you have to try to get it right? If you screw it up, now it has to grow back to try again. WTF? Maybe it comes with templates to practice on? This is usually a gift from your man, as no self respecting woman would purchase this.

Thinning hair? No worries the "My Secret Hair Enhancer" is made just for you. Spray it on your balding melon and you will be good to go. This stuff makes your head look like a dark brown chia pet. East to use, but only if you are a practiced graffiti artist. Otherwise, it ends up all over the bathroom mirror.

I love before and after pictures. This stuff has been around for years, under diferent names, but still hair in a can. You can use it ANYWHERE you have thinning hair and that's all I'm going to say about it.

Remember Richard Simmons on General Hospital in the 80's. Alot of us had little ones then and stayed home, so we saw alot of him. I can't say anything bad about Richard. He's faced some obstacles in his life and he is dedicated to helping people lose weight, and for no other reason that their health. He doesn't make claims of instant weight loss. He's all about let's make it fun and uses great music to help motivate.

I often wonder if he's cold since you never see him dressed in anything but striped shorts. All the exercise must keep him warm. Keep it up Richard. You do make a difference.

I highly recommend the AS SEEN ON TV website for a time wasting afternoon. They have lots of crazy crap for sale. Who's comes up with the names for the products? What are your favorites? Snuggie, Batter Pro, Shape n Tone or perhaps the RX Locker to keep your pill poppin neighbors out of your scrips. I sure do miss Billy Mays. He could scream/convince you into anything, at double the offer.

Monday, February 21, 2011

People Watching at the Fair

Yesterday, I took Ethan and one of his buddies to the Citrus Fair. The Citrus Fair began in 1892 and still remains the earliest held fair in California.

It's a small town affair to be sure and is very well attended. It rains almost every year during the fair. One year they moved it to May for the weather and people had a fit. So, they moved it back to February. All is calm and right with the world.

While the kids are riding the rides and playing games, I indulge in one of my favorite fair pastimes. People watching. It was a grand event this year as it always is. I often wonder if most people have a mirror and, if they ever bother to look into it. What do they see?

One of my favorites is the guy who is stuck in the eighties and still can't give up the hammer pants. Along with this look is the required mullet and belly shirt. Trifecta!

Nothing says I got it goin' on like this look. Even though he's married and has several kids, the 80's were good and he's not ready to give it up. A little secret about hammer pants is the elastic waist. Alot of beer drinkin' since 1985 and they still fit. You can still purchase these at a flea market in your area. The ONLY thing that could make this look better, is if it's topped off by a "Members Only" jacket.

Another good look is the bleached blonde and bad highlights. This over processing is murder on your hair, and yet, women still insist on doing it. The older you get, the blonder you become. And, the colors are weird, the styles weirder. What seemed like a good idea in the beauty parlor is not in the light of day. Aging gracefully is just that. Trying to look thirty or younger when you are fifty plus, looks desperate. This goes for the clothing too, but that's another post altogether.

Are you Team Edward or Team who's the other one? I have never seen or read any of the Twighlight series. The obsession with it borders on ridiculous. I did read where one women's marriage broke up because she spent all her time online reading all the new posts and sepculations about the characters. I did however see many Twighlight and Team whoever shirts at the fair. Sadly, most were being worn by middle aged women. I believe in alot of crazy crap, but vampires?

There are also fanny packs, in assorted colors and sizes, way too tight clothing, high heels and a slew of other bad looks. It's like the fair is a fashion show and maybe it is for some people. Others are dressed in what I would call comfy for the fair wear. Jeans, sweatshirts and tennis shoes. Regardless, everyone is having a good time and supporting our local fair. Can't wait for the Sonoma Couty fair in July. Hot weather brings out it's own special fashion looks, and I don't mean that in a positive way.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Do you trust anyone?

I saw a commerical early this morning about a service called "Been Verified.com".

You can now run, for a small fee, a background check on your doctor, accountant, plumber, electrician, teacher and a multitude of others you may come into contact with on a daily basis. And, you are STRONGLY urged to do it. God only knows who's lurking around just waiting to take advantage of you.

I don't know about you, but I have had the same doctor for almost twenty years. I am dreading the day he retires, which will be sooner than later. In finding a new one, I will ask friends for a recommendation.

Or, I can pick one out of the phone book and do a Been Verified search on him. That way, I can find out if he's a pedophile, an alcoholic or any number of other savory tidbits about him. Yea, I think I'll do that. I'll sleep so much better knowing that the doctor I picked has Been Verified!

I think alot of us also use the same plumber, electrician and auto mechanic. You build relationships with these guys and you trust them. They have been in your house a number of times and nothing has gone missing, but you know, there is always a chance. Late at night, you can't sleep and you start thinking about Milt the plumber. He's been acting a little strange lately. Let's do a Been Verified just to make sure. I know he's been my neighbor for twenty years and he's my son's godfather, but.... Never mind that both of his parents just passed away and he's got other stuff on his mind.

What about my accountant? He's getting ready to sell his practice to a kid right out of college. He's had one tax season too many.

Is he really selling because he's had it or are those rumors swirling around about him and the Roller Derby queen true? Or maybe, he's in trouble with the IRS and needs to hot foot it out of town. Let Been Verified him to find out, and while we are at it, let's Been Verified the kid he sold the practice to. I know he's young and right out of school, but he might have smoked some pot in college. We'll get to the bottom of it!

The beauty of Been Verified is that it has been featured on many websites and in many publications. MSNBC, CBS, New York Times, TMZ (now there's a reputable site) and others. While they are screaming at you from the TV to never trust anyone, the fine print says their information may not be 100% accurate and they don't make any representation of anyone's character. How many people have the same name? Do you see where this could be a problem? If you are that leary of everyone you come across in a days time, you have much bigger issues at hand.

You can also access this wonderful and much needed service via your mobile device. No more waiting until you get home or to the office. You can also search property records, do a social search (?) and a reverse phone number search. Really? Why? There are much more productive ways to spend your time.

Have you Been Verified?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I apologize and resign

There must be something in the Washington DC water. Yet another politician has resigned over inappropriate behavior. It has become so commonplace that it is mentioned briefly in the press, and then gone. The only ones talking about it are the other politicans, glad that it's not them. It will be. Life is a numbers game and their's will come up.

I took a look at the picture of Christopher Lee that he sent to his Craigslist pen pal. Not a bad looking dude.
He is married and that's where it presents a problem. You notice they never talk about an unmarried senator being a horndog. Let us revisit some of my favorites.

Eliot Spitzer. The governor of New York visiting hookers on a regular basis, he even has a favorite, Ashley aka Kristen, or is it the other way around?. You know Mrs. Spitzer was pissed, she had just finished redecorating the governor's mansion, and now, they have to move. She went down a notch in my book for standing by him at his press conference. A good swift kick in the nuts was more in order. To embarass your spouse in public is in such poor taste but, he is deeply sorry.

Mark Sanford, what a piece of work. I didn't know the Appalachian Trail went all the way to Argentina. You learn something new everyday. Yes, I am married and have three boys, but she is my soul mate. Please. Mrs. Sanford did give him a swift kick in the nuts as she was leaving. Good for her. She is the one with the money, so good luck shopping at Big Lots Mark. And yes, he is also deeply sorry.

Newt Gingrich. He just makes me ill. While he was cheating on his wife, he was leading the impeachment against Bill Clinton. Pot meet kettle. Again deeply sorry, alcohol involved blah blah blah......

John Edwards. No need to say more. RIP Elizabeth.

Gary Hart. Way back in 1988, he was caught screwing around with Donne Rice. She was not Mrs. Hart. Back in those days, it was a MAJOR scandal and it damn near did him in politically. He was the front runner for the democratic nomination in the 1988 presidential election. Needless to say, after his picture appeared with Donna on his lap, it was over. It was a real shame, he had promise. That's what happens when the little head does the thinking for you. Deeply sorry and still married to Mrs. Hart who has been the recipient of some very expensive jewelry over the years. I made that part up.

Can you imagine how our society would be if everyone who has an affair apologizes and then resigns from their job? We'd be short doctors, plumbers, mechanics, grocery store clerks, etc. Unemployment is already a nightmare. Since most of us are not in the public eye, no one really cares if we are engaged in inappropriate behavior. I also bet more men get a swift kick in the nuts and for that, I am not deeply sorry.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The death penalty or lack thereof

We all know the state of California is in financial dire straits, so imagine my surprise when I read that we just spent $900,000, that's not a typo, on a new death chamber at San Quentin state prison. The reasoning is that it's outdated. What does that mean? Is it like when your couch has finally had it and you need a new one? Since we don't really execute anyone in this state, how could it be outdated or worn out? An hour, tops, of use in the last decade does not constitue a $900,000 makeover.

I realize that we should not take sentencing someone to death lightly. There are many cases where a prisoner has been exonerated due to DNA evidence, and rightly so. But in the cases where someone has been proven guilty beyond a doubt and a confession, why wait? Oh yeah, automatic appeal. Not when our public schools, seniors programs and other needed social programs are underfunded should that be happening. Here are a few ideas I have.

First of all, let pick an execution team. This team should be comprised of prisoners who are serving a life sentence. They have to apply for the position, and agree to kill the convicted murderer in the same fashion that they killed. No putting anyone to sleep. There are plenty of sadistic prisoners who would love this job. And, no waiting around. It must happen within the week. And a death chamber? An outbuilding on the prison grounds will do just fine.

Another good idea is child molester island. Once a pedophile, always a pedophile. There are plenty of islands out in the ocean far away from anywhere for these people to go. Once every six months, there is a supply drop from an airpane and good luck. If you survive, great, if you don't, tough shit. We can send the murderers there too. Death penalty or child molester island, their choice. One way or another, they are never coming back to this society.

Hopefully not many of us have had to deal with the murder of a family member, much less a child. I would be out for blood to be sure. I don't want to hear a sob story about your fucked up childhood. I know some people who have lived some horrific shit and are not criminals. If we actually imposed the death penalty, it might actually be a deterent. Maybe we should bring back public hangings on Sunday after church. It was a family event, picnic included.

So again, I ask, why the update? Like it's going to get used. The company that make the lethal injection drug will no longer sell it to the United States because they don't want it used for exectutions. I have a solution, Clorox and a syringe. Yes, it may be painful, but so what. The person they were strangling or stabbing to death was feeling pain too. I bet Mark Klaas would agree with me.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

The Help

I was listening to the radio in my car today and there was an advertisement for a swanky wedding venue. I imagine with all the Christmas marriage proposals, this makes sense. A summer outdoor wedding will be lovely!

Several years ago, hubby and I worked part time for a caterer. Easy work, decent money. We did LOTS of weddings, and when you are the HELP, you are invisible and see and hear some interesting things.

Mermaid wedding dresses should only be worn by a svelte woman. A huge butt only looks huger, is that a word?, in one of these gowns. It must also be low cut so that everyone can enjoy the brides boobs as much as the groom. Bridesmaids dresses are usually hideous too. The best I ever saw were long sleeved, high-necked forest green velvet. It was a fall wedding in October that happened to be held on one of the hottest days of the year. The idea was good, the reality not so much. Those poor gals were heatstroking and the bride was pissed that they were not all cheery and smiling. The wedding cake melted and it was overall a mess. It was fun to watch the bride, her Mom and Mom-in-Law snap out. Brides also tended to eat like pigs at their weddings. I remember several saying they had dieted to get into the dress and now that they were married, they were going to eat.

At another wedding, as we were getting the food ready during the wedding ceremonty I went to use the restroom. The bathroom door was locked. As I was waiting, out of the bathroom came a couple all red faced and disheveled. Normally, I would think, great! how fun to have a little tryst at a wedding. But, the couple who came out of the bathroom were not there with each other. They both had other dates. They walked right past me like I wasn't there. Of course I told my co-workers and they wouldn't look at any of us for the rest of the party.

We also did several hospital Christmas parties. Everyone dressed in their finest sequins and furs. I didn't know women wore furs anymore. I obviously don't run in the right circles. These parties were always full of office flirtations fueled by alcohol. The cute nurses and doctors giving each other the eye and the wives clutching their arms tighter. He's mine! We would come upon couples groping in the hallways, bathrooms and parking lots. They always acted like they didn't see us, but we saw them.

Weddings are always a good time to hash out a family feud. We witnessed many arguments and snubs. These are drinking games. The more they drank the more pissed someone got about some imaginary thing and fists would fly. Not to be remembered the next day of course. Families of the wedding party also don't always get along. The bride or groom is not good enough for the other. The Mom does not mind telling you either. Have a few more drinks.

I always thought if would be interesting to follow these couples and see where they were in five years. Were they really meant to be or was a big white wedding and party what they were looking for? Since we were only the HELP, we could only make up our own stories with the little we had observed. But boy, did we observe!